Synopsis:

The main goal was simply to remove Blarp from the film. Never before has there been a character so supremely annoying, and utterly inconsequential to the plot. At least Jar Jar Binks and Ruby Rhod actually contributed to their stories. Blarp just screeches a lot. And on top of all that, it’s very mediocre (sometimes downright horrid) CGI.

Intentions:

The main goal was simply to remove Blarp from the film. Never before has there been a character (and I use the term loosely) so supremely annoying, and utterly inconsequential to the plot. At least Jar Jar Binks and Ruby Rhod actually contributed to their stories. Blarp just screeches a lot. And on top of all that, it’s very mediocre (sometimes downright horrid) CGI.

Change List:

Numerous, including but not limited to: Removed John Robinson’s opening voiceover. It doesn’t tell us anything necessary that we don’t learn in watching the film. I’m not a fan of redundant voiceovers. Advanced the original on-screen date (2058) by one hundred years. I know it’s a minor quibble, but the Earth presented here is far too advanced to be only fifty years away, in my opinion. Slimmed down entire opening sequence, removing all of the West/Jeb jokes and so-called “cool lines” and any shots of the GenTechs inside their ships. Removed both of the early scenes with the Robinsons at home. The only real information we get from them is that Penny is not happy to be leaving, and that Will feels ignored by his father. Both of these points will be covered ad nauseam during the course of the film. Removed Smith’s constant prattle when reprogramming the Robot. “Sleeping behemoth”, “Steely centurion”, “Platinum-plated pal”â€?I know this is how the TV Smith often spoke, but there’s no need to cram so many into such a short space of time. Removed Operative contacting Smith via hologram for the second time. It’s goofy, there’s the stupid, “I told you never to call me here” joke, and it’s not needed for us to figure out that Smith was betrayed by the Global Sedition for demanding more money. And even without that supposition, all we really need to know is that Smith’s device short-circuits, rendering him unconscious. Removed West hitting on Judy just before she goes into cryosleep. The West/Judy dynamic is very forced, with no real chemistry between the characters. So most of it is now gone. Removed Maureen berating Smith over his sabotage, and Smith’s verbose response. Removed Smith’s puns, “Put a little heart into it” and “The life you save may be my own.” Removed the frozen time during hyper-jump. Removed scene where Judy removes West’s flight suit, and they discuss his tattoo. Removed Penny recording her log, and then lamely flirting with West. Removed Smith’s, “Evil knows evil.” There are far too many instances of self-conscious dialogue for my liking in this film, so I have removed several cases of people talking to themselves at the ends of scenes. Removed scene of the crew finding Blarp. I won’t bother listing all the subsequent Blarp removals, there’s way too many. You can play “Where’s Waldo” for the two remaining Blarp shots if you have a keen eye. Hopefully, neither of them is obvious. My hope is that if you’d not already seen the film, you wouldn’t realise that yellow bastard ever existed. Removed West’s first shot bouncing off of a spider. Every single other laser shot damages the spiders, so this one is a bit of an oddity. Removed Will’s observation, “They eat their wounded.” Removed West’s rant about wanting a can of Raid. When the spider is on top of West, you can see him fire his gun, but no sound effect is present. Now fixed. Removed firing the faulty torpedos at the swarm of spiders. The excuse given as to why they don’t work makes no sense, and it’s really only here to set up something later on in the film which I have also removed anyway. Removed West’s stupidity over the speed of the Proteus explosion, and the odd reverse motion shot of Maureen sitting back in her chair. (I’m guessing it was supposed to indicate some kind of force-field seatbelt, but who the hell knows?) The sequence in the film where the Jupiter 2 crashes is a weird jumble. Many of the shots are out of order, and the ship is suddenly facing the wrong way at the end of it all. I have re-ordered the shots to be in what appears to be the correct sequence, and have also removed the “Temple of Doom” double crash. Removed Maureen’s line about a pissing contest. Removed Maureen’s line to herself, “DÃ?tente’s a beautiful thing.” Removed Smith talking to himself after his argument with West. Removed West trying yet again to hit on Judy, and the entire Bugs Bunny/Porky Pig conversation. Removed the terrible effects shot pullback from West closing the blast-shield, which also removes the gag with the Waltons-esque goodnight. Removed yet another scene of West hitting on Judy. Jeez Louise, enough already. Removed all reference to Will incorporating his personality into the Robot. Removed the Robot telling a joke. Removed Will’s line to Smith, “I told you we could into the bubble this way.” The bubble is gigantic, and they get to it by walking in a straight line. Yeah, Will must be a genius to figure out a way in. Sigh. Removed Will’s terribly delivered line, “We can always go back.” (If only I could take out all of his bad acting. If I did, there’d be very little of him left in the film.) Removed the first scene of Smith and Will discovering the alternate Jupiter 2. The “Oh shit” joke isn’t funny, and without it the scene has no point, soâ€? Originally, when Smith and Will catch up to John and West, Smith somehow knows all about the adult Will and the time machine without any explanation. To fix this, I’ve moved the scene of Smith and Will approaching the Alt-Jupiter to earlier in the film, so that Smith can get to the ship in time to conceivably eavesdrop on all of the necessary exposition. Removed Smith telling West, “It’s a time machine, you idiot.” I have no idea why the line is there. West was present for all the explaining a moment earlier. It’s like they just wanted to remind the audience in case they forgot in the last two minutes. Removed some more of Smith’s prattle to the Robot. Removed the looped line of Will saying, “Dad, it’s Doctor Smith!” Thanks, Exposition Lad! Removed Spider-Smith’s line, “I never liked me anyway.” Removed Will’s lines about “Every living thing has a heartâ€?” and fixed a little bit of odd continuity with the Robot removing the control device. Removed West saying, “We don’t the have trackers to find our way back.” This line is actually from a deleted subplot involving multiple portals/time periods, which has lazily been left in the film. Judy firing the torpedos to signal West is also part of this subplot, and has been removed too. Removed West telling Judy that he is going to get a tattoo of her name. Removed all of the “Spider-Smith as bad guy” material. The CGI is terrible, and the story point is ridiculous. I think everyone comes out looking a lot better for not having to bother with this attempt to have a big finale villain. As it is now, John gets back to adult Will just in time to see the Jupiter taking off. Spider-Smith is still up in the upper levels, where we last saw him headed. Removed adult Will’s final line, which they somehow were able to hear after the portal has closed. Removed the final part of the tedious West and Judy pairing. Restructured the end credits scroll to remove references to Blarp, (or Blawp, as they spell it here) Porky, Bugs, and Daffy. The music used is the Apollo 440 remix of the season 3 theme, but I have removed all of the dialogue samples. (Apart from being obnoxious, over half of them are no longer in this edit of the film.)

Additional Notes:

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